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Dear Jazzie, I seem to have a problem with my children. They seem lazy and apathetic, don't want to do anything, and I can't seem to motivate them. What should I do? Concerned Mother

Dear Concerned Mother, I understand your problem. This is the result of your children listening to garbage, instead of real music. The clear solution is to have the children listen to jazz. I would suggest Orpheus Jazz, Dave Brubeck, or Charlie Parker, or Charles Mingus, or Rosemary Clooney. You will find the children will start to dance and whistle and even sing! Repeat this formula for the at least one hour each day for the rest of their lives! Thanks for writing us. Love, Dear Jazzie  

Dear Jazzie, my love life is just a drag. I can't seem to get any guy interested in dancing or listening to good music. All these guys seem to want to do is watch violent and sex ridden movies. What should I do? Damsel in Distress

Dear Damsel in Distress, since these guys like to watch movies, simply turn on the Swing Central program offered on Arlington Cable. Especially the Christmas Special featuring Jim Houck & Friends. This is a program dedicated to Swing Dancing and fine Jazz. Just one viewing will get them dancing and romantic! Thanks for writing, Dear Jazzie

Dear Jazzie, Can I get a little brother for Christmas? Good Girl

Dear Good Girl, the Jazzie Jazz Telecommunications Network has arranged for a conference call between your parents, Santa Claus and the Stork. Good Luck, Jazzie

Dear Jazzie, does Snoopy pull Santa’s sleigh at Christmas time? Curious 2nd Grader

Dear Curious 2nd Grader, Snoopy and his friends always help Santa get ready for Christmas, and then deliver the presents. The Elves of Santa’s workshop would like to wish you a very Merry Christmas! Love, Jazzie

Dear Jazzie, If it is true that Christmas Trees clean the air of pollutants and mold, can the Christmas Tree also clean up my little brother, because he stinks so badly I can't stand it anymore! Frustrated Sister

Dear Frustrated Sister, Yes it is true that Christmas Trees clean up the air. I'll have Santa drop off a bottle of Pine Scented Bubble bath, so your little brother can take a bubble bath and then smell like a Christmas Tree and you can give him a big hug and kiss! Love, Jazzie

Dear Jazzie, is Snoopy a jazz musician? Curious Jazz Fan

Dear Curious Jazz Fan, Yes, Snoopy is very proud of playing jazz. He performs with the Snoopy Jazz Quartet and plays piano, guitar, bass and drums! Love, Jazzie

Dear Jazzie, why does the sun go away at night and the stars come out to shine bright? Shouldn’t it be the other way around? Confused Kindergartner

Dear Confused Kindergartner, The Sun likes to play hide and seek. Don’t worry, it always rises early in the morning to work another day! Love, Jazzie

Dear Jazzie, I have found that everyone in the world stops fighting and they all kiss and hug on Christmas. Even Armies stop fighting wars and everyone is so generous, so why can’t we have Christmas every day of the year? Peace Loving 4th Grader

Dear Peace Loving 4th Grader, You have captured the spirit of Christmas! Hold it dear to your heart all year long! Jazz has the same effect on people. I would suggest you share the spirit of Christmas by playing the Oscar Peterson Trio’s Christmas Jazz CD and the Dave Brubeck’s quartet’s Christmas Jazz CD for all your friends and family all year long! Love, Jazzie

Dear Jazzie, My boyfriend says he likes me as I am a Jazz Fan, because Jazz Fans are 30% more sexually active than other fans. Is this true? Concerned Lover

Dear Concerned Lover, yes that is correct. Keep up the good work! Dear Jazzie

Dear Jazzie, I have been practicing my saxophone for years trying to perfect the Straight-Ahead jazz style, however, I keep making mistakes. What should I do? Frustrated Sax Player

Dear Frustrated Sax Player, In Jazz there are no mistakes, only opportunities! Full Speed Ahead! Dear Jazzie

Dear Jazzie, I have been trying to lose weight, but I can't seem to follow any diet or exercise program long enough to do any good. What should I do? Hopelessly Fat

Dear Hopelessly Fat, I understand your problem. I would suggest you take up Swing Dancing! You can watch Swing Central on Arlington Cable TV. Most of the shows give a dance lesson and show real swing dancing. You can dance your pounds away while you are having fun, fun, fun!!!!! Once you learn how to swing dance, you can enter a marathon swing-dancing contest and just dance the pounds away. Then, you can send me a message signed Hopelessly Thin! Dear Jazzie

Dear Jazzie, My marriage is on the rocks. I just can't seem to pull it out of the dive it is in. I've tried everything! What should I do? Desperate Soon-to-be Divorcee

Dear Desperate Soon-to-be Divorcee, I would suggest an indepth study of Stan Kenton's marriage between classical music and jazz. There are over 2000 scores and many recordings which are good examples of this. The way to a perfect marriage is to study one! Thanks for writing, Jazzie

Dear Jazzie, My husband and I are always fighting over everything and anything. We just can't seem to agree on anything and this is causing my kids to get upset. I just don't know what to do. Can you help me? Desolate Mother

Dear Desolate Mother, It is time for you and your husband to Take 5! Dave Brubeck wrote a song called Take 5 which is what you both should do. Sit down and have some Tension Tamer Tea and listen to some Cool Jazz! Relax and enjoy the pure clean aesthetic quality of the music. Play some Jazz for the kids and let them dance and sing. All will be well! Thanks for writing, Dear Jazzie

Dear Jazzie, will God still love me if I wet my pants? Embarrassed 5 Year Old

Dear Embarrassed 5 Year Old, Love knows no bounds! Jazzie

Dear Jazzie, Who is the most beautiful woman in the world? Is it A. Madonna B. Cindy Crawford C. Sher? Curious Observer of the World

Dear Curious Observer of the World, There is only one possible answer to this question, Mother Mary. Jazzie

Dear Jazzie, I am losing my hearing in my ears, what should I do? Frustrated Folk Music Fan

Dear Frustrated Folk Music Fan, I know exactly what is causing the problem. This condition called TooMuchFolkMusicitis, is caused by listening to too much out-of-tune folk music played on an out-of-tune folk guitar and sung by an out-of-tune alcoholic, drug-addicted singer named Dan. The sub-conscious mind shuts down the ability to hear which is an instinctive survival trait to keep the victim from rolling over dead. The only known cure is to listen to 75 hours of non-stop big band swing music or classical orchestra music. Then, the sub-conscious mind turns on the ability to hear again, and the patient is cured! The most important concept here is to STOP LISTENING TO GARBAGE! Jazzie

Dear Jazzie, How often does Santa have to stop to rest the raindeer while delivering presents? Anxious About Christmas

Dear Anxious About Christmas, Santa's Raindeer have magical powers and can fly endlessly without rest for as far and long as needed to deliver presents to all good boys and girls. Jazzie

Dear Jazzie, I'm afraid the GRINCH is going to steal Christmas again. What shall I do? Emmie Lou

Dear Emmie Lou, don't worry, even the GRINCH had to give Christmas back again. Santa will be on time. You can count on it! Jazzie

Dear Jazzie, how do you put the fire out in Hotpants? On-Fire Fan

Dear On-Fire Fan, with the panty hose! Jazzie

Dear Jazzie, Although I am only 8 years old, I want to be a professional classical musician, yet no one will take me seriously. What should I do? Budding Musician

Dear Budding Musician, study the life of Mozart and his family. By the age of 8 he had performed for both the English and French Royal Families and had written a symphony. Perhaps Mozart's life will be an inspiration for you! Good Luck! Jazzie

Dear Jazzie, will you come over and spend Christmas with me and my family. Our dog Spots is fun to play with and my little brother loves to play hide and seek! We plan to sing Christmas Carols too. Enthusiastic Fan

Dear Enthusiastic Fan, I will be with you in spirit always. Jazzie

Dear Jazzie, I am again late with my Christmas shopping. I have 10 children and I have a gift for each of them except one and I only have $15.00 left to spend. What should I do? Despondant Mother

Dear Despondant Mother, I understand. Music is something children enjoy a great deal. The Orpheus Jazz, A Touch of Class CD is available on the website or at Tower Records and for a limited time you will receive a free video of swing dancing as well. Good Luck! Jazzie

Dear Jazzie, can I get a kitten for Christmas? Love Kittens Alot

Dear Love Kittens Alot, There could be a kitten in the Christmas bag of toys Santa brings to all good girls and boys. Merry Christmas, Jazzie

Dear Jazzie, How many Microsoft Software Engineers does it take to change a light bulb? Distressed Technical Clutz

Dear Distressed Technical Clutz, NONE, they change the operating system instead! Jazzie

Dear Jazzie, What is the square root of cool? Curious Music Fan

Dear Curious Music Fan, A Jazz Cruise! Jazzie

Dear Jazzie, My wedding is next week and I really don't know what kind of music to have when we dance. I like 1930's Jazz but my fiancée wants to have Rock and Roll! What shall I ever do? Distressed Bride to Be

Dear Distressed Bride to Be, find someone else to marry! Jazzie

Dear Jazzie, What is the most important factor in listening to fine jazz? Student of Fine Jazz

Dear Student of Fine Jazz, Dinner by Candle Light! Jazzie

Dear Jazzie, Who was the first woman in space? Student of Space History

Dear Student of Space History, Alice from the Honey Mooners! Jazzie

Dear Jazzie, what is the most important New Years resolution I should make? New Years Party Lover

Dear New Years Party Lover, Listen to more JAZZ! Jazzie

Dear Jazzie, I get the Minnesota Winter Blues in January and February, because it gets to cold here. What should I do? Frozen Depressed Blue Fan

Dear Frozen Depressed Blue Fan, there is only one solution for the Minnesota Winter Blues, you need to report to the Augsburg College Music Department in Minneapolis, and take a course in Music History covering the Romantic, Baroque, and Classical periods. You won't have to worry about what to do in the Winter ever again. Jazzie


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